When You Feel Insignificant: My Disappearing Act
I haven’t blogged for over 6 months. Things fell apart; I let things just sit idly by. I ignored the things that I love to do for a long time.
“But why?” you are probably asking, maybe even shaking your head a bit.
Because I am bipolar
and I went into a manic episode followed by one of the worst depressive states that I have ever known.
Being bipolar has always been a part of who I am. It helps with all the things I want to do because when I’m up, I’m up. The depressive moments have been there, but they have typically been controllable by just spending time doing some things that cheer me up. It’s a roller coaster for sure, but it’s one that I had been managing just fine for the last 10 years of my life.
That all changed over the summer with the implosion of my marriage.
City Spouse and I are in the process of getting a divorce. And yes, it’s sad. And it’s heartbreaking at times. But at the same time, I’m hoping that we can stay at least civil to one another. We were never a perfect couple. Oftentimes it was pointed out to both of us how opposite we were and how we had nothing in common. Which, in hindsight, was true but we both thought that we loved one another enough to get past all of that and just love the person as they were.
We failed miserably in the end. But we are coming to terms with where we are in the relationship and remaining friends…. At least for now.
When I kicked City Spouse out, I did fine for a while. I thought that things would be better and that I could move forward without him. The one thing about a manic episode, in my case, is that you don’t realize the damage you are doing until it’s too late and the entire world comes crashing down on your shoulders all at once.
Losing my husband of 7 years hit me like a ton of bricks, and for the sake of full disclosure, I ended up so bad that I honestly gave up.
I tried to kill myself.
I am only alive and writing this right now because my neighbor came over to get salsa from me.
Yes, one of the things that I love doing (gardening and canning) was the root cause of my life being saved that horrible day.
I made it through. I’m in counseling now and working on being properly medicated so that I can better manage my disorder. I’m still having a rough go of it all, but I’m doing things day by day and I hope that I can learn to help others in similar situations to get past their issues too.
Every day; just for today.